Help Me Obi-Wan Friend's list

[redfiona99]

Friend has gone through first grown-up break-up. Suggestions for dealing with required. Little miss shallow affect is all out of ideas.

Comments

[angstbunny.livejournal.com]

Wait, I'm confused. Suggestion for her to deal with it, or suggestion for you to help her deal with it?

[redfiona99.livejournal.com]

Suggestions for how I can help him deal with it.

[angstbunny.livejournal.com]

I haven't consoled others with their break-up, but I have been consoled for my own, and coming from that side, I can tell you the biggest thing is to listen. Don't feel like you have to provide answers. Avoid platitudes as much as you can, though I realize that's hard. I'm talking about stuff like "you'll find somebody else!" or "you'll get over it in time!" Because while the intention is good, and these things are indeed true, it can come off like their immediate feelings of being hurt are trivialized. Sometimes the hardest part is letting them indulge in feeling hurt and angry, because the impulse as a friend to make them feel better. But it's good sometimes just to feel angry and hurt, because it's cathartic, and far better than bottling it up. So mostly you listen and you offer a non-judgmental shoulder to cry on (literally or metaphorically).

Conversely, you should not lose sight of your own boundaries. You are allowed to change the subject if it becomes too much for you to feel comfortable with dealing.

That's my general advice.

[redfiona99.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I find it difficult because I find emotions difficult to express, so I've gone with shoulder, and because, as I said, he's a nice guy really, don't worry about feeling angry and hurt.

[angstbunny.livejournal.com]

It might be easier if you put yourself in a mindset where you don't feel like you are obligated to feel things at him in order to comfort him and help him. Because you're not, not really, since at the end of the day, it's about him right now. Just let HIM feel all the feelings.